OK, now what.....

 [Note from Roberta: please ignore the two years that have passed between episodes and instead look at the date.]

I am still alive. I AM OK. I don't know what to think. The last few days. Now I am in this motel along the highway, across from the sea with a door that locks, a roof, carpet a bathroom and a shower and a BED. My clothes are dripping dry in the shower. This was so worth it. I think the lady in the office felt sorry for me, and it's after the weekend. Out of the shower onto the bed and asleep. I wanted to sleep until they kicked me out at check-out time but dawn is gazing out from beneath the layer of clouds over the sea and something in it has spoken to me. And I have a lot of catching up to do.

I didn't know what to think. Now I think this place is strange. Not all, but something I haven't met yet. Good strange or bad strange I don't know yet.

That looked so much like her car. How many of those old beetles are still crawling around? With the Universe leading me to my true home, why wouldn't she have just shown up when I needed her most. No, it was some guy, young guy who was about as messed up as I was. Decent guy, I think. Once we both knew we weren't going to kill each other, he slept in the front seat and let me in out of the rain curled up in the back seat of a beetle, that's how doubled up I was and a few more trips to the portapotty. I am never eating fish and chips again. Ever. When morning came he drove me into Clallam and I think he is OK, maybe. I want to think I got led to him since he knows a lot about what's around here and he showed up. But I don't know yet if he is one of my people. His name was something that sounded fake which still bothers me.

I explored the town, saw more than before, little store with a lot of interesting food, art gallery that isn't open, library, visitor information, thrift store that isn't open, what looks like a bar, a school and another store up the road. Public restroom. I still needed that. I sent emails home at the library. Most of the day on the beach by the restroom nested down in the sand with a log at my back. Lots of clouds. I think I saw whales. Down past the lighthouse I started building my house. More of a shelter I could crawl into when it got dark, above high tide but I didn't get any sleep, even when i smoked some. 

Next day-- I went to Sekiu, the town across the bay, walked to save bus fare. Different energy than Clallam Bay, fishing. My phone doesn't get service there either. Just experiencing, not cluttering my energy field with anything besides what the world truly is. Saying hi to the people sometimes, and sometimes they seem OK but other times not, more listening to them than talking or thinking or judging. But being OPEN-NESS because it is now just me and what the sea has to tell me, and there is so much to catch up on. My stomach was a little better and I ate the bread and nut bars and cheese I brought, sat out of the rain on the bench in front of the thrift store, appreciating the little things of the day. Listening to the sea and not thinking. Better roof on my house, but I slept some and then all wet from the rain in the morning. Found more wood and rope and dug down and made the house so I could sit up in it. I thought I did a good job.

That day I took the bus to Neah Bay, beautiful road along the sea, and really liked it there, like another place I never knew existed, another world at the end of the earth. I am coming back to go to the museum. I wonder if I could live there. Much more of a town. Had a burger for lunch at one of the stores. It is almost all native people, with a few fishermen and tourists, I guess. I didn't talk to anyone too much because I want to learn about them and sometimes I say stupid things I'm sorry for later. It is why I write. When I am less stressed I want to go back and talk to these people. Something about this felt very important.  The shore is open sea and powerful and I slept on the sand for a long time and still woke up in time for the bus back to Clallam. And when I got to my home it looked like someone had wrecked it. On purpose. I felt like crying but then I looked north at the light fading on the water and the warm colors in the sky and what someone had done did not seem important anymore. I thought I would stay at the beach but there were people around and something didn't feel safe to me, not right somehow. Something scared me and I don't know what it was but I went into town and found a house that looked like nobody was home with a back porch with a roof over it and a lounge I could lie down on. The sea didn't feel safe, there were people who weren't good for me out there. I don't think I slept any.

I think I need to get a car or something. I saw an ad for one on a bulletin board, $1500. I have the money in my account. I went back to the sea in the daylight and then spent part of the day in the library reading. And then when I left, there was the kid in the beetle again. We were talking and he gave me some smoked salmon, which kind of made me think of the bad fish and chips but I ate it. I think he is OK. He seemed more into talking than when I had first met him, and he wanted to show me a special place. We had something to smoke and we went driving to a place by the sea where seals were. I don't know if this was because of what he gave me to smoke but I suddenly knew that he was going to kill me. We were walking along the bottom of the cliff and the water and sky and clouds seemed just enhanced in some way that made them seem like a portal to another world and there was nobody around except the noisy seals and I realized this was the perfect place for him to kill me. I hope it was because I had hardly any sleep and whatever it was we were smoking. I was so scared but trying not to show it but I knew he knew. It was like he could know what I was thinking, because he said things like, it was going to be OK and something about being afraid of the dead or something like that. I told him I had to go back to town right away. He looked surprised and said he was going to show me his tree, whatever that meant, but I told him to get me back to town now and was insistent about it. There were some other people around. I had him drop me off by the art gallery, even though it was closed, and I remembered seeing a motel not too far up the road. So here I am. This is so worth it. 

Going to change my clothes and go next door to have their breakfast special and then see if I can spend another night here. Lots of vacant parking spaces. And go across the street and sit on a log and look at the sea and find the OPEN-NESS again. I still don't know what to think. But I think I need a car.